Did I ever tell you about the time I nearly got arrested for attempted bank robbery?
It happened like this.
I grew up in a small town where there really wasn't much for young people to do. There was an arcade (which we all called "The Arcade" to such exclusion that I don't think I ever knew the actual name of it), but since only 1980's punks and losers hung out at it (much scarier than modern punks and losers), we never went there unless we had a spare period and it was broad, bright daylight.
We had a couple of video stores but those, too, were small, badly lit shops, most likely fronts for illegal activities, and choked with gritty pornography and scary horror movies on greasy, well-thumbed VHS. Anyway there are only so many times you can watch Ferris Bueller have a Day Off. Soon, you start looking for something to DO.
We were Christian kids. Christian kids attending a Christian school, which in those days didn't mean "We had to leave the school property to smoke." We really, truly, honestly were upstanding and ethical, with great morals and integrity. Which meant if we wanted something to Do, the answer would never be "drugs" or "each other".
By the time we were in our late teens, we were thoroughly bored.
After graduation, there was an ecstatic summer in which anything was possible. Graduation gave us the first sense of completion most of us had ever known. Those first jobs had given us a tiny taste of money and choice. Come the fall, with formerly-daunting local college classes suddenly feeling like "just more school", we looked around and realized we hadn't moved: we were still in our hometown, only with later curfews.
We were restless, with the shine still on our drivers' licenses, and gas at 59 cents a liter.
One Friday night, within 24 hours of finally doing the road test and earning the right to drive unattended, I borrowed the family car. It was a small-ish Pontiac station wagon, dating from sometime late 80's. It must have been the newest car we had ever had and was a dashing shade of navy blue. I drove to a friend's house in the gathering darkness, the road lit by the orange cast of intermittent streetlights and the warm glow of possibility.
In the basement of James' house, we began our Friday night question-and-answer ritual. The opening dialogue never varied.
Whaddya wanna do?
I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?
After that came a finely-tuned round of suggestions, coupled with vetoes. We ran through them all with the ease of long practice.
Wanna play Pictionary?
No.
Wanna go to the arcade?
Too many punks with concealed knives.
[Insert side conversation about someone's latest encounter with an arcade loser.]
Wanna watch a movie?
No. We've seen them all.
Wanna drive the logging roads?
I'm not allowed to take the car off pavement.
[Insert side story about getting stuck while four-wheel-driving 15 km up the Duncan Bay Main.]
Wanna have a beach fire?
The tide's in. Plus it's October.
By now it's close to 10 PM and the stir-crazy finally drives us out of the house. "Let's just go downtown and hang around." At the worst, on those nights, you could go to one of the two open restaurants -- you had your choice between truck-stop Patty Jo's, the all-night pie place where cigarette smoke made the ceiling more theory than certainty, or Boston Pizza, where we'd spend two hours and ten bucks (all together) on bottomless pop. (Waitresses just loved us.)
But this night, no one was thirsty, and anyway no one had any cash for bottomless pop. By now we were impatient and irritated. Feeling at loose ends, we proceeded in a sullen, hormonal motorcade to a parking lot near the Bingo Palace, just behind a 1960s strip mall with a mundane, rain-pooling, gravel-bearing flat roof.
We couldn't go in the Bingo Palace, of course, being too young. And even if we could, a lot of us were Baptists.
We parked in a little knot of pickups and station wagons, and all sat on the hoods of our cars and looked at each other. Just as we were beginning to wonder whether we should just go home, one of us spotted something interesting.
Facing us across the alley was a row of garbage cans and stairwells leading to basement back doors. But at the far right of the nearest shop, the second business from the end, was a little flat, gravelled roof just a few feet lower than the overhang of an even higher rooftop.
I feel like it might have been me who saw it, and made the suggestion. But it could have been anyone - most likely one of the thrill-seeking boys. Of course, in retrospect, I think of myself as a thrill-seeking boy. In any event, someone put it out there.
Hey -- we could easily climb up there and walk on the roof...in fact, we could jump from roof to roof and walk along this whole row of shops!
Instantly we were down off the cars, across the alleyway, and giving each other legs-up onto the flat roof. From there it was an easy climb and we were up! We strode along, grinning from ear to ear, laughing - I was exhilarated for the first time since graduation night. Boys started running, of course, and leaping up or down from shop to shop. These roofs were all connected - this was no death-defying feat. But man, it felt amazing.
We walked up to the edge of the roof, overlooking the main shopping street below. We could see over Shoppers' Row, past the Discovery Inn, across the Foreshore to the dark void of ocean - and beyond, to the Quadra Island lighthouse. The traffic at the intersection below, only a few meters lower than we were, looked small, powerless, and totally different than it did at street level in daylight. A few cars honked their horns at us, six teenagers silhouetted along a strip mall rooftop in the darkness and the pattering, invisible rain of a mid-October sky.
Spread out along the entire block, some running, some leaping, some just standing...we were all staring down - not across - at the streets of our childhood: we had gained a new perspective and it was a rush.
Of course, if we HAD been at street level, and not in the back alley, we might have read the signs on the building and remembered what we already knew: that the business at the end of the mall was, in fact, the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce.
Would it have stopped us? Well, it wouldn't have stopped the boys. But the girls might have sat this one out.
As fate would have it, none of us had the logic or foresight to put "Bank Roof" together with "Honking Horns". We were without guile. And being without guile, when the rooftop euphoria began to pall, we simply climbed down and resumed our car-hood seats in the alleyway.
There was a short silence.
"So.......whaddya wanna do now?"
A siren began, far off.
"I dunno. What do YOU want to do?"
The siren got a bit louder.
"I dunno. I might go home."
The siren stopped and a quiet, powerful engine approached slowly.
As one, we turned our heads to look at the entrance to the alley, as a police cruiser came around the corner. It stopped within ten feet or so of the nearest car.
A second car came around the other side of the alley. This one had a floodlight that immediately revealed us all, squinting, in a wash of glaring day.
"Huh," I thought, "They must be looking for someone."
You bet they were.
"Hey, guys," said the officer who emerged from the driver's seat bearing a MagLight that seemed to lay bare all my deepest thoughts, "Have you seen anyone around here climbing on the bank roof?"
Looking back, it must have been priceless to see our faces as his words sank in. You could see us all, frozen in merciless headlights, with the words "THE BANK" dawning in all of our teenaged minds at the exact same instant.
We were good, Christian kids. There was only one option.
"Yeah," I announced into the awful silence, "That was us."
The lights closed in as they moved forward. I wish I could relate word for word what followed in the next minute or two, but it's all a blur of dark-clad authority figures, questions, the digging out of shiny new IDs and the cool crackle of a woman's voice from their radios.
I do remember that they started by asking us if we had any alcohol or drugs. We laughed out loud, but they still checked our pupil dilation and our cars. At least we had the comfort of knowing they wouldn't find so much as a cigarette butt.
As they collected all our drivers' licenses and wrote down everything about us, including whether we still had our childhood teddy bears and how tall our dads were, they asked us the most inane question of all. And anger, at the sheer stupidity of it, brought me out of my fear.
The question was, "Why? Why did you do it?"
All the inaction, the flatness of life, the endless round of familiar streets and bus loop and the arcade and the classroom, the worn VHS, the be-kind-rewind...it all suddenly boiled over. "We were bored," I said loudly, an edge of defiance creeping into my voice. "We were really bored and we thought it would be fun."
And it WAS fun, I wanted to add. It was fantastic.
"Fun??" the officer repeated, as if I had said "It's fun to run red-hot wires into my eyeballs."
"Fun?? Surely there are other things you can do for fun."
"What are you, new in town?" I wanted to say, but instead I said "We've done everything."
"Well," he said as he took my license from me (my brand-new interim license, no photo), "What about renting a movie?"
I seriously wanted to punch him.
I settled for saying "We've seen everything."
"Everything?? Have you seen 'Glory'?"
I wanted to punch him again. He had managed to name the only damn movie I hadn't seen.
"No, I haven't seen 'Glory'," I said through clenched teeth.
"You should see it, it's good."
I had had enough of this big, tall, gun-toting police officer (I was still too young to feel the pull of police-officer attraction). I burst out in a frustrated cry, "You can only watch so many movies, y'know! This town has nothing interesting!!"
He didn't say anything for a moment. Then, "I know. There's not much for young people around here." I was completely taken off-guard. Obviously, he wasn't from around here. His was an outsider's perspective.
And a second later I realized that an awful lot of his job must involve this - giving warnings to groups of bored teenagers searching for purpose and settling for distraction. Scaring them away from the dangerous edge of a flat and featureless roof.
With one last glance at my interim driver's license, he handed it back to me. "Oh, by the way," he added, "Have a good birthday, tomorrow."
"Thank you." I took my license and folded it up. Just before they all got back in their cars, he turned back and called "Go find something else to do, guys."
And that's just what we did. Within six months I was dating my first boyfriend, and was packing to move to Victoria, university, and a new job. Two of my partners in near-crime had begun a relationship, that became a beautiful marriage, that is now in its 21st year and fifth child. Another travelled to Africa soon afterwards to live with and help a missionary family.
Next year will be our 25th high school reunion. Almost all of us are still in touch, and we like getting together to talk about old times. The Bank Roof story will be retold next year, and so will the one about the Stuck Truck. (Stuck Truck happened a lot.) And Window Jumping, and the one about Laura's Cat, and the one with the Substitute Teacher's Upside-Down Desk. And the Princess Bride Reenactment Era, the Double-Dutch Skipping Craze, and the one where my sister, finally fed up, Threw a 7-Year Old Bully down an entire 15-foot flight of stairs.
None of us knew how close we were to the end of that time. We were so busy staring down the road forward. We didn't know, didn't care, that in the getting there, everything we knew so intimately would retreat in our rearview mirrors.
Looking back now, I think our stories are all we've got to pass down, in the end - a way towards comradeship and common ground with the next generation. They make it possible to show someone the way things once were - they're photographs of a forest that used to be right where that hospital is now.
You wouldn't remember, we say, smiling. That was before you were born. There weren't as many streets then...all this was wilderness.
And the stories make me smile.
Thanks for reading.
Showing posts with label Smirkworthy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Smirkworthy. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
A Valid Lifestyle Choice
I don't know if it's my age or if it's my family situation - I have kids so am a little less free in some respects - but in the last couple of years I've noticed a weird trend. I'll be chatting with a friend and she'll say something like "Any plans for the weekend?"
I launch into an excited recitation of all the great stuff I've got lined up, and then there's usually a surprised pause, followed by a polite "Oh!"
These conversations always end up with a weird vibe, so I discreetly asked around, and it seems that any of the following doesn't constitute big plans for the weekend:
- "Making pizza on Friday night, then watching Buffy in my jammies."
- "Doing laundry and making cinnamon buns."
- "...stay at home, maybe rent a movie"
- "Sitting - at home - knitting and listening to podcasts"
- "On Saturday, I'm going to bring a cup of coffee back to bed where I plan to play Freecell on my iPod until the battery is completely drained."
- "Grooming the dog"
- "At home, not getting dressed until Monday. If then."
- "I'm definitely taking a shower at some point."
But these particular people really seem to disrespect my plans. Weird, right?
I guess since their weekends are full of things like winter camping, concerts, half-marathons, mechanical-bull-riding, back-country-ski/camp/summit-climbing, remote fishing lodges, and trips to beautiful beachfront whatnots, maybe their bar is set a little higher than mine.
So, what do you guys think constitutes "plans for the weekend"?
I launch into an excited recitation of all the great stuff I've got lined up, and then there's usually a surprised pause, followed by a polite "Oh!"
These conversations always end up with a weird vibe, so I discreetly asked around, and it seems that any of the following doesn't constitute big plans for the weekend:
- "Making pizza on Friday night, then watching Buffy in my jammies."
- "Doing laundry and making cinnamon buns."
- "...stay at home, maybe rent a movie"
- "Sitting - at home - knitting and listening to podcasts"
- "On Saturday, I'm going to bring a cup of coffee back to bed where I plan to play Freecell on my iPod until the battery is completely drained."
- "Grooming the dog"
- "At home, not getting dressed until Monday. If then."
- "I'm definitely taking a shower at some point."
But these particular people really seem to disrespect my plans. Weird, right?
I guess since their weekends are full of things like winter camping, concerts, half-marathons, mechanical-bull-riding, back-country-ski/camp/summit-climbing, remote fishing lodges, and trips to beautiful beachfront whatnots, maybe their bar is set a little higher than mine.
So, what do you guys think constitutes "plans for the weekend"?
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Second week begins
No, this is not turning into a running blog. It's a funny scroll-down pic day.
Run one of week two today. Girlie opted out - preferred to stay home baking cookies. I said "You go, sugar. Or, I guess, stay."
Lots of exercisey-type people do things like post a picture of the sky during their run. I thought about doing that, but decided it would be more meaningful and a lot funnier if I posted pics of my hair after my run. That way, you can tell a lot of things about the run, such as what the weather was like, how sweaty I might have ended up, and even what kind of a mood I'm in.
Hair today ('scuse the blurry):
Run one of week two today. Girlie opted out - preferred to stay home baking cookies. I said "You go, sugar. Or, I guess, stay."
Lots of exercisey-type people do things like post a picture of the sky during their run. I thought about doing that, but decided it would be more meaningful and a lot funnier if I posted pics of my hair after my run. That way, you can tell a lot of things about the run, such as what the weather was like, how sweaty I might have ended up, and even what kind of a mood I'm in.
Hair today ('scuse the blurry):
(Hat for warmth. Misshapen head? No, just my hair. What hair? THIS HAIR.)
Friday, December 21, 2012
I live in infamy.
Apparently a few people have found my blog by searching for the phrase "messy laundry rooms".
Hi there! Nice to have you join us! I'm glad you came by for validation/comfort. Happy to be of service.
Hi there! Nice to have you join us! I'm glad you came by for validation/comfort. Happy to be of service.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I'm a muse!
Cleaning out a closet last week, I came across this note, which my 11 year old daughter gave me when she was 7 or so. I'm going to keep it forever.
Can you read it?
Can you read it?
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Messy Tuesday with a vengeance.
Remember when I used to do Messy Tuesday posts? Well, what you're about to witness is the Messy Tuesday to end all Messy Tuesdays.
A few background notes for this vost:
1) the room in question doesn't usually look quite this bad - I had pulled out all the toy bins for organising;
2) the kids promised me "Mum, if you clean our room, we will DEFINITELY keep it that way until Christmas." [insert hollow laugh]; and
3) this is something I hear all the time: "Mum, we need more socks. All our socks are lost. We can't find any socks. Buy us more socks."
A few background notes for this vost:
1) the room in question doesn't usually look quite this bad - I had pulled out all the toy bins for organising;
2) the kids promised me "Mum, if you clean our room, we will DEFINITELY keep it that way until Christmas." [insert hollow laugh]; and
3) this is something I hear all the time: "Mum, we need more socks. All our socks are lost. We can't find any socks. Buy us more socks."
Labels:
Cinema Shanadiso,
Hestia,
Messy Tuesday,
Smirkworthy
Monday, November 26, 2012
And oh, I'm ashamed.
Erudite Mondays at HalfSoled Boots
Volume 12 Number 2
by Robert Louis Stevenson
I can't believe it's true, but I've never read any Robert Louis Stevenson. Well..."never read any" is a little exaggerated: I mean, I've read A Child's Garden of Verses, of course, and some of Dr. Jekyll, and I read Treasure Island as a child, but it was abridged and paraphrased and condensed and so on. You couldn't hear RLS's voice at all.
Maybe what I mean is, I've never read anything that made me appreciate Robert Louis Stevenson as he deserves to be appreciated.
I picked up "Travels with a Donkey in the Cévennes" in the death throes of my bookstore, and started reading it in the bath last night. By page 20, I had to get out: I was laughing so hard I thought I might displace 40 gallons of Epsom salt solution onto the floor.
There's no point whatsoever in quoting lines from this book in the hopes of interesting you and persuading you to look it up in your library. You just wouldn't get the spirit of it from mere lines. So I'm going to not quote, but excerpt; and hope that it makes you laugh as much as it did me. And I should tell you - he goes on for 20 pages like this, and every page is funnier than the last.
The bell of Monastier was just striking nine as I got quit of these preliminary troubles and descended the hill through the common. As long as I was within sight of the windows, a secret shame and the fear of some laughable defeat withheld me from tampering with Modestine. She tripped along upon her four small hoofs with a sober daintiness of gait; from time to time she shook her ears or her tail; and she looked so small under the bundle that my mind misgave me. We got across the ford without difficulty -- there was no doubt about the matter, she was docility itself -- and once on the other bank, where the road begins to mount through pine-woods, I took in my right hand the unhallowed staff, and with a quaking spirit applied it to the donkey. Modestine brisked up her pace for perhaps three steps, and then relapsed into her former minuet. Another application had the same effect, and so with the third. I am worthy the name of an Englishman, and it goes against my conscience to lay my hand rudely on a female. I desisted, and looked her all over from head to foot; the poor brute's knees were trembling and her breathing was distressed; it was plain that she could go no faster on a hill. God forbid, thought I, that I should brutalize this innocent creature; let her go at her own pace, and let me patiently follow.
What that pace was, there is no word mean enough to describe; it was something as much slower than a walk as a walk is slower than a run; it kept me hanging on each foot for an incredible length of time; in five minutes it exhausted the spirit and set up a fever in all the muscles of the leg. And yet I had to keep close at hand and measure my advance exactly upon hers; for if I dropped a few yards into the rear, or went on a few yards ahead, Modestine came instantly to a halt and began to browse. The thought that this was to last from here to Alais nearly broke my heart. Of all conceivable journeys, this promised to be the most tedious. I tried to tell myself it was a lovely day; I tried to charm my foreboding spirit with tobacco; but I had a vision ever present to me of the long, long roads, up hill and down dale, and a pair of figures ever infinitesimally moving, foot by foot, a yard to the minute, and, like things enchanted in a nightmare, approaching no nearer to the goal.
In the meantime there came up behind us a tall peasant, perhaps forty years of age, of an ironical snuffy countenance, and arrayed in the green tail-coat of the country. He overtook us hand over hand, and stopped to consider our pitiful advance.
'Your donkey,' says he, 'is very old?"
I told him, I believed not.
Then, he supposed, we had come far.
I told him, we had but newly left Monastier.
'Et vouz marches comme ça !' cried he; and, throwing back his head, he laughed long and heartily. I watched him, half prepared to feel offended, until he had satisfied his mirth; and then, 'You must have no pity on these animals,' said he; and, plucking a switch out of a thicket, he began to lace Modestine about the stern-works, uttering a cry. The rogue pricked up her ears and broke into a good round pace, which she kept up without flagging, and without exhibiting the least symptom of distress, as long as the peasant kept beside us. Her former panting and shaking had been, I regret to say, a piece of comedy.
My deus ex machina, before he left me, supplied some excellent, if inhumane, advice; presented me with the switch, which he declared she would feel more tenderly than my cane; and finally taught me the true cry or masonic word of donkey-drivers, 'Proot!' All the time, he regarded me with a comical, incredulous air, which was embarrassing to confront; and smiled over my donkey-driving, as I might have smiled over his orthography, or his green tail-coat. But it was not my turn for the moment.
I was proud of my new lore, and thought I had learned the art to perfection. And certainly Modestine did wonders for the rest of the fore-noon, and I had a breathing space to look about me...In this pleasant humour I came down the hill to where Goudet stands...I hurried over my mid-day meal, and was early forth again. But, alas, as we climbed the interminable hill upon the other side, 'Proot!' seemed to have lost its virtue. I prooted like a lion, I prooted mellifluously like a sucking-dove; but Modestine would be neither softened nor intimidated. She held doggedly to her pace; nothing but a blow would move her, and that only for a second. I must follow at her heels, incessantly belabouring. A moment's pause in this ignoble toil, and she relapsed into her own private gait. I think I never heard of anyone in as mean a situation. I must reach the lake of Bouchet, where I meant to camp, before sundown, and, to have even a hope of this, I must instantly maltreat this uncomplaining animal. The sound of my own blows sickened me. Once, when I looked at her, she had a faint resemblance to a lady of my acquaintance who formerly loaded me with kindness; and this increased my horror of my cruelty.
To make matters worse, we encountered another donkey, ranging at will upon the roadside; and this other donkey chanced to be a gentleman. He and Modestine met nickering for joy, and I had to separate the pair and beat down their young romance with a renewed and feverish bastinado. If the other donkey had had the heart of a male under his hide, he would have fallen upon me tooth and hoof; and this was a kind of consolation -- he was plainly unworthy of Modestine's affection. But the incident saddened me, as did everything that spoke of my donkey's sex.
It was blazing hot up the valley, windless, with vehement sun upon my shoulders; and I had to labour so consistently with my stick that the sweat ran into my eyes...A priest, with six or seven others, was examining a church in need of repair, and he and his acolytes laughed loudly as they saw my plight. I remembered having laughed myself when I had seen good men struggling with adversity in the person of a jackass, and the recollection filled me with penitence. That was in my old light days, before this trouble came upon me. God knows at least that I shall never laugh again, thought I.
-from Travels with a Donkey in the Cévennes,
by Robert Louis Stevenson
Century Publishing, 1985
by Robert Louis Stevenson
Century Publishing, 1985
Not all the books I review on Erudite Mondays, and tag with "Erudition", actually constitute good reading. I use the term "Erudite", which means well-read, to cover all my reading and reviewing. This book, I'm pleased and satisfied to say, DOES qualify as good reading. It's not "good and difficult", as Dickens can sometimes be; it's not "good and pedantic", as Anne Brontë; it's just a well-written and well-paced book by a person who had a sometimes-underappreciated knack for words.
If you have read it, or if you decide to track it down after this review, let me know what you think. I'd love somebody to join in!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
A major prize!!
On this first day of our last month before Yule, I offer this: a photo of a window from downtown Courtenay, BC, where an enterprising shopkeeper found a great use for one of the spare mannequin parts he had in his back storage room.
It's not for sale, he says, but on the first day he put it up he had 14 requests for disembodied mannequin legs and he no longer has a storage problem downstairs.
Here's to ingenuity and the Christmas Spirit!
Everybody now: "FraJEEElay!"
It's not for sale, he says, but on the first day he put it up he had 14 requests for disembodied mannequin legs and he no longer has a storage problem downstairs.
Here's to ingenuity and the Christmas Spirit!
Everybody now: "FraJEEElay!"
Monday, April 30, 2012
Dear Mute Button
Will you marry me?
Only you can stop this rich loudmouth chick from yelling at me every time I'm trying to watch "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives".
So, yeah - I love you - thanks for everything - keep up the good work.
Shannon + Mute
2-getha 4-evah
So, yeah - I love you - thanks for everything - keep up the good work.
Shannon + Mute
2-getha 4-evah
Friday, December 09, 2011
Brain Clearly Still Not Working Properly.
Sitting on my lounge of lurgy this morning (thanks for that one, Ames), I was perusing some Facebook posts about the ethics of Islamic justice. Fell down the rabbit hole for about a half hour and then came upon this headline:
Saudi Arabia: Men ‘Behaving Like Women’ Face Flogging
upon which I flinched and said to myself, "Ouch! Imagine being flogged on your face! Oh......oh, wait......oh "face flogging", not face-flogging. Never mind."
Sunday, June 19, 2011
What are you saying, girl?
We drove past an apartment fire today. Smoke poured out of a fourth-floor sliding door and wafted across the road we were on. As we crawled past the ladder trucks and the scuttling firemen my daughter looked up from her book and said, surprised, "Ooh, look! That building's on fire!"
The younger one sniffed the air and said absently, "Hm. Smells like cookies."
The younger one sniffed the air and said absently, "Hm. Smells like cookies."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Score one for marketing.
Em, who can't read, just picked up a box of cereal and said hopefully to her sister, "Is this a specially-marked package?"
"No."
"Aw, darn it."
I miss the days when they watched Treehouse, which has no commercials. They've graduated to Teletoon Retro, which is commercials interspersed with the Pink Panther.
"No."
"Aw, darn it."
I miss the days when they watched Treehouse, which has no commercials. They've graduated to Teletoon Retro, which is commercials interspersed with the Pink Panther.
Friday, May 06, 2011
Love Island Kids
One of the neighbourhood boys, a little messy towheaded, rubber-booted thing with no front teeth, just turned seven, remarked to me the other day, "I have a funny story from when I was little. Y'know how they have those signs that say 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service'? Well one time I had ONLY a shirt and shoes! So I was allowed in to get ice cream."
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
One's sorrow two's mirth
Three odd things have lately happened to me.
1
I was standing by the open slider door to the back yard, when a finch flew directly at me, hovered in the air right in front of my chest for a moment, then darted past me into the house. It perched on the top cuff of my (unoccupied) boot, pooped inside it, and flew back out again.
2
I was washing dishes. A bird flew in through the open window, alighted on the rim of the dining room chandelier, then flew back out again.
3
I was sitting in the living room five minutes ago, drinking cabernet and thinking about life, when two finches flew toward the back window. One bonked against the glass and fluttered dizzily away, while the other hit the open half, came straight inside, landed on the floor, hopped about for a second, and flew back out again.
So if a bird in the house means a death is coming, and trouble comes in threes, I am in big kaka right now.
1
I was standing by the open slider door to the back yard, when a finch flew directly at me, hovered in the air right in front of my chest for a moment, then darted past me into the house. It perched on the top cuff of my (unoccupied) boot, pooped inside it, and flew back out again.
2
I was washing dishes. A bird flew in through the open window, alighted on the rim of the dining room chandelier, then flew back out again.
3
I was sitting in the living room five minutes ago, drinking cabernet and thinking about life, when two finches flew toward the back window. One bonked against the glass and fluttered dizzily away, while the other hit the open half, came straight inside, landed on the floor, hopped about for a second, and flew back out again.
So if a bird in the house means a death is coming, and trouble comes in threes, I am in big kaka right now.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Our strategy for the 2030 games
Today's Olympic Moment is in the form of a dialogue with my sister.
SHAN: So I was watching this Michael Whatsit interview with Jenn Heil the other day, and he said "Is it true that there are condoms readily available in the Athletes' Village?" and Jenn said "Yes." Then he said "Really, there are condoms everywhere?" and she said "Yes."
GWEN: Hm.
SHAN: You think of them as these elite athletes, flying down the course doing all these instantaneous physical calculations, "I'm focussed on this competition and can't afford distraction", and in reality they're a bunch of bunnies, doing it with each other between events.
GWEN: And why not really. I mean, who can blame them?
SHAN: True. You're young and hot, the best shape you'll ever be for your entire life, now's the time, man.
GWEN: Yeah - they're the best of the best. Actually - hey, breed 'em!
SHAN: Yeah, what are we doing supplying them with condoms? If there's one thing this society needs, it's more people like them.
GWEN: Exactly.
[Short silence.]
SHAN: Hey we should go to Whistler, sneak into the Athletes' Village with a pin, and poke holes in all those condoms.
GWEN: Totally.
SHAN: So I was watching this Michael Whatsit interview with Jenn Heil the other day, and he said "Is it true that there are condoms readily available in the Athletes' Village?" and Jenn said "Yes." Then he said "Really, there are condoms everywhere?" and she said "Yes."
GWEN: Hm.
SHAN: You think of them as these elite athletes, flying down the course doing all these instantaneous physical calculations, "I'm focussed on this competition and can't afford distraction", and in reality they're a bunch of bunnies, doing it with each other between events.
GWEN: And why not really. I mean, who can blame them?
SHAN: True. You're young and hot, the best shape you'll ever be for your entire life, now's the time, man.
GWEN: Yeah - they're the best of the best. Actually - hey, breed 'em!
SHAN: Yeah, what are we doing supplying them with condoms? If there's one thing this society needs, it's more people like them.
GWEN: Exactly.
[Short silence.]
SHAN: Hey we should go to Whistler, sneak into the Athletes' Village with a pin, and poke holes in all those condoms.
GWEN: Totally.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Kindest Regards, Shan
Dear Norwegian Men's Olympic Hockey Team:
Welcome! Thank you for your interest in our country's second national sport! We are so glad you could make it to Vancouver to enjoy our nation's hospitality for this the 2010 Olympic Winter Games.
Please make yourself comfortable. We understand your best goalie is a very nice carpenter, and we'd like you to bring him along so he can bang some nails, figuratively speaking, into our offensive line's shots. We'd like to stress that he can expect some very rewarding glove saves, as we plan to only shoot gentle forehands right into it. All he has to do is hold it moderately open: our players have amazing aim, so they will be able to drop the pucks right in.
Thank you again for attending the games, and giving some of our citizens a well-deserved smackdown. You are making us a better, more humbler nation.
Yours deferentially,
Shan
* * *
MEMORANDUM
TO:
The Canadian Men's Olympic Hockey Team
FROM:
Shan
RE: Strategy for the Game vs. Norway
SWEET FANCY MOSES WILL YOU SHOOT THE FREAKING PUCK ALREADY. GO FIVE HOLE, YOU MORONS, THE GUY'S GLOVE IS UNBEATABLE.
Welcome! Thank you for your interest in our country's second national sport! We are so glad you could make it to Vancouver to enjoy our nation's hospitality for this the 2010 Olympic Winter Games.
Please make yourself comfortable. We understand your best goalie is a very nice carpenter, and we'd like you to bring him along so he can bang some nails, figuratively speaking, into our offensive line's shots. We'd like to stress that he can expect some very rewarding glove saves, as we plan to only shoot gentle forehands right into it. All he has to do is hold it moderately open: our players have amazing aim, so they will be able to drop the pucks right in.
Thank you again for attending the games, and giving some of our citizens a well-deserved smackdown. You are making us a better, more humbler nation.
Yours deferentially,
Shan
* * *
MEMORANDUM
TO:
The Canadian Men's Olympic Hockey Team
FROM:
Shan
RE: Strategy for the Game vs. Norway
SWEET FANCY MOSES WILL YOU SHOOT THE FREAKING PUCK ALREADY. GO FIVE HOLE, YOU MORONS, THE GUY'S GLOVE IS UNBEATABLE.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
And Santa gets 15-20.
A city councillor with a megaphone, at the tree-lighting part of our (small) city's Santa parade:
COUNCILLOR [JOLLY]: We're going to turn these lights on in just a minute, folks: First, here's Shelby! She's the lucky little girl who won the contest to go into the bushes with Santa and hunt for the Magic Button!
COUNCILLOR [JOLLY]: We're going to turn these lights on in just a minute, folks: First, here's Shelby! She's the lucky little girl who won the contest to go into the bushes with Santa and hunt for the Magic Button!
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