Wednesday, March 19, 2008

A Cautionary Tale

Four things I've learned from being a crap housekeeper.



  1. Boil the potatoes long enough, you barely have to mash them at all. Straining can be a problem though.


  2. Before you attempt to open and scrape out that forgotten Tupperware whose lid is bulging from the noxious gasses within, freeze it until garbage day.


  3. If people come over and you want to make them think you have been cleaning, turn the dryer on. It sounds very productive.


  4. If people DO come over, your oven will hold A LOT of dirty dishes. Just don't forget they're in there.



And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find out what that smell in the fridge is.

22 comments:

Heatherly said...

you forgot one - put the vaccuum in the middle of the living room so they think you were going to do some cleaning.

Stace' said...

Those are hilarious!!!

kate said...

I've done the first two before. Dryer is usually on but that's just 'cause my washer doesn't work well so it takes forever to dry the clothes. Will totally have to remember #4.

Sigh.

But my vacuuming is always top notch!! (Dyson, how do I love thee ....)

Annalea said...

I've come to the point where I've stopped trying. (To pretend, not to keep house! lol) Usually the four kids playing in the middle of everything and me with a little baby or pregnant takes care of all of those concerns about what a visitor might think. We have some neighbors who have an immaculate home; he's quite the perfectionist, and she's a tip-top homemaker (makes all kinds of things from scratch, too), with three older children, spaced further apart than ours. Their home is just about always perfect. The first few times he came by to help Vern with something, Vern took him to the basement--through the laundry room and the messiest part of the house. ACK! I finally decided to just look at it as a way for him to be even more grateful for his wife. ;o) And they're really decent people, and it hasn't ever come up. (Thankfully!)

Btw, what inspired your title today, Shan? It's like the beginning of one of my favorite songs:

"Take your cautionary tales
take your incremental plays
and all your sycophantic games
and throw'em all away."

("Throw It All Away", by Toad the Wet Sprocket, from the Coil album.)

Shan said...

Annalea, the title is somewhat misleading, but what I was going for was a "learn from my experience" kind of thing.

I like the lyrics. Especially 'sycophantic games'.

lizbon said...

#2 is the reason why I never invest in actual Tupperware. I either buy the "disposable" kind or just use recycled yogurt containers.

Shan said...

Too right.

stitchin' girl said...

And my husband thought I was actually going to bake in both ovens!! In addition to those pearls you listed, I also boil water with cinnamon sticks in it.

Jo said...

It's also good to have a bunch of the opaque Rubbermaid bins - they hide a lot of stuff..

Dave Hingsburger said...

OK, OK, I shouldn't give this one away. Adopt a slightly bewildered and helpless look ... the kind of look that kittens give something out of reach ... I learned it early, use it often, nearing 60 it still works. It's my gift you padewan child.

Shan said...

Dave.....AWESOME. I bet that drives poor Joe crazy.

Kris said...

Don't forget that you can hide scads of stuff in the tub and draw the shower curtain. No one will be the wiser.

Anna said...

. . .because the smell of melting Tupperware is just so nasty. (An ancient memory involving ovens, guests and dirty dishes.)

Gena said...

Ha ha ha! I love #3! I usually just leave the vacuum in the middle of the floor, but the dryer is a better idea!

mel said...

I keep thinking I'm almost caught up, then I remember that I owe you an email and all of a sudden I'm a number of post's behind. Sigh.

I read this this morning too, and really needed it: http://knitaluscious.blogspot.com/2008/03/messy-tuesdays.html
F* my dirty dishes. And the dog hair everywhere. And melted plastic in the oven, because I, too, hide things in there and forget about them. I have knitting to do. And friends and family to catch up with. And many other more important things.

Annalea - Toad is one of my favorite bands of all time :)

Gwen said...

I can't turn on the dryer because that's where I hide stacks of paper.

Olga said...

As a last resort, you put yellow tape across your front door and a sign that sez", Warning! Donot enter, house condemned."

kate said...

Gwen made me snort.

Jenny said...

#4 made me laugh!!
I'm horrible at laundry...like REALLY bad! Thankfully our laundry room is downstairs and usually only visible to family members!!(although there has been times when I have to give a tour of the house...that's when my stomach begins to cringe!!)

Jenny said...

BTW...I vacuumed last night...well, thought I did. This afternoon my hubby and I noticed dirt and dust everywhere...I vacuumed with the hose attachment not plugged into the vacuum part!
Ughh

Kristine said...

My favorite is the dish washer. As people come in, I say "Oh, I was just loading the dishwasher!" (when in reality, it's been sitting, filthy, for days, while everyone is too tired to just turn it on) and then turn it on. It somehow makes it sound like I've been cleaning all day.

Shan said...

You guys are cracking me up.

And it JUST GOES TO SHOW US that we are not alone.