Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ocean LIEner.

So I went to the Cunard website today, because I have this fantasy where I fly to Wales, spend a few weeks walking the Pembrokeshire Coast Path, go by rail to Southampton and then cross the Atlantic by ship. When I came back I would be different - changed somehow. Quiet. Introspective. Wise. Laconic. There could be an ineffable air of quality.


Anyway, I was looking at the pretty pictures of ocean liners, dreaming of brass door handles and parquet dance floors, windy balconies and sparkling portholes, and I noticed a link inviting me to order free brochures to be sent in the mail. You could choose any three of their glossy publications, including an informative DVD. I ordered that one, naturally, along with "Transatlantic Crossings" and the "2009 Voyages" brochure.


They asked me to fill out some information. Address and phone stuff, mostly, but then they politely inquired whether I had cruised before, and would I please check all the cruise lines on which I had travelled?


This is the weird part - I blithely told them that Yes, I had cruised before, and I had been on Princess, Norwegian, and Holland America. I was planning a cruise in the North Sea and was interested in Scandinavia. And - Oh, what the heck, send me more info on the Mediterranean as well. Why not!


What compelled me to spin a web of lies for the benefit of an anonymous and uncaring Cunard clerk? Would it really matter to them if they knew that every cruise I've taken, thus far, has been with the classy, inimitable BC Ferries? (I recommend the Pacific Buffet, by the way - you can make your own toaster waffles - many as you like.)


I read over my newly-minted Cunard profile, wherein I am (apparently) a woman with nothing but money and time to lay on deck chairs all over hell's half-acre, and wondered what on earth possessed me. It occurred to me, on reading the places I have (not) been, that I had invented a curious blend of where my parents have been, and where I want to go. It's very odd. Plus I think I put "Norwegian" on there because I would like to go to Norway. How nonsensical is that.





See me? I'm waving out of one of those portholes.

17 comments:

Dave Hingsburger said...

"Ashley, you're home."

Boy was it nice to find this post on Half Soled Boots, I love your writing and was missing your wit. Wonderfully funny, the temptations to be other than who we are are many.

Valerie said...

That is a very funny post!

Linda said...

Oh. They expect me to tell the truth on those things? I didn't know.

Ames said...

Either you have been playing too much Ticket to Ride or not enough.

Gwen said...

Did you know you can play virtual TTR? I'm thinking of trying it. I wonder if we could play together online?

Brenda said...

Um, enjoy your travels!?!
You are funny as usual Shannon!

kate said...

A rich fantasy life is never a bad thing....

Rona said...

Wow! I had no idea that you had travelled quite so much! I qould love to sit and talk with you about all of your travelles some time.


LOL!!
hehe your so funny Shannon, I love your writting no matter what!

clumsy ox said...

My bellow of laughter about the Pacific Buffet quite startled Ames and the kids.

bethro said...

I love 1) That you would do that and 2) that you would tell us (for all we know (or at least all I know) you could be that person or someone totally different - some dude in a cabin writing his manifesto pretending to be a married mother of two for reasons best know to him alone).

carlarey said...

Girl, you are in a world of hurt. I hear those Cunard police are vicious buggers.

kate said...

OK, bethro cracked me up. Some dude pretending to be a mother of two -- lol!!

lizbon said...

I love this - it makes me think that we ought to get to reinvent ourselves every so often.

Especially when traveling (or even imaginary traveling), it's so much fun to try out alternate identities or histories.

When I was spending a lot more time traveling than I am now, I used to often get asked if I were Canadian, and I would almost always say yes.

Stace' said...

I don't see you waving, I do see a hand poking out of one of the windows with fingers crossed. :)

kate said...

Ha - one of your google ads is for Queen Mary 2 Cruises!!

knititch said...

you are such a lovely dreamer. please add denmark... as a canadian you will be amazed by the lack of mountains. as far as your eyes can see.

GrannyPurple said...

Well, you just cost me a whack of $, since I linked from your blog to Cunard the other day, and one thing led to another. Think of all the potential knitting time on a 5day/6night ocean crossing...