Thursday, March 29, 2007

Am I Just Too Old For This Kind of Nonsense?

----I am compelled to note that there may be spoilers ahead. If you care.----

Have just finished watching Casino Royale. I just have a few questions. And a comment or two.

1- What, oh what, is up with Daniel Craig's accent? One minute it's American, the next it's northern Europe, the next it's London's East Side. (All right: east, west, whatever. Like I even know.)

2- That chick at The Ocean Club? Mrs. Demetrios? You could grate cheese on her chest, that's how sharp the ribs were, poking out of her plunging neckline. I mean, I know thin is in, but I'm asking whether anyone actually finds this attractive? Aren't they afraid they might poke their eyes out on her clavicles? Or maybe lose their manhood by careless handling of her razor-sharp hipbones?

3- Who is this guy my boy Daniel was chasing through the construction site in Madagascar at the beginning: Spiderman? Dude was comin' out all Cirque du Soleil style, doing superpower flips and jumps and with the amazing stamina, I thought he was on drugs. I seriously did. I was watching this and first of all said, aloud, "I have not seen such impressive hijinks and tricks since Buffy", and then thought "Okay, we're setting up the plot here - this is going to be 'Bond against a sinister band of international steroid profiteers.'"

4- To the executive producer, or whoever is in charge of casting, a few guidelines:
- Muscles do not a leading man make.
- Ditto for a craggy countenance.
- When a man is that honed, the viewer really notices the ears. Give it some thought. Slightly longer hair, maybe?
- Fleming's Bond is charming. A nice, enigmatic smile is a must. Goofy squint-eyed, toothy, Cletis-the-Slack-Jawed-Yokel smirk? not so sexy.

5- The whole tenderness thing with the girl and the yacht and the azure Adriatic was completely over the top. See number 4, above: this Bond had the emotional depth of a Tamagotchi. We, as viewers, were totally not invested in this contrived halcyon week of love, or whatever it was supposed to be, as Mr. Taut Biceps was just not making us feel it. We were using the little light to check our watches. People were whispering to their seatmates, "Whoa, that Big Gulp just caught up with me - back in a sec." We were all drumming our fingers, waiting for the ax to fall and find out just how many sides this chick was playing. Which brings me to my next point.

6- To the writers: Try not to give quite so big a signal. We like to not know that the double-crossing, or what have you, is going on, if at all possible. We like to be surprised. Think Memento. Think Usual Suspects. Think the floor of the Bellagio vault.

7- Oh, and one more thing. I think MI-6 should invest in some first aid courses for their operatives. I mean, I know how to revive a newly-drowned person, and I spend my days sitting around knitting, reading "Richard Scarry's Biggest Word Book Ever" three times in a row, and washing dishes. I make Kraft Dinner almost every day, for goodness' sake. There is No Way a person like me should know more about CPR than a secret agent. Please. I can only suspend my disbelief so far, and I'm afraid the (drum roll) Amazing Flying Grandini Trapeze Show (see number 3, above) stretched it to the limit.

I need some good film, stat, to wash away this vile Hollywood taste. This situation might call for an emergency screening of my favourite movie. Or maybe my second favourite movie. Looks like I'll be up 'til 3:00 AM again.


amanda said...

That's funny, cause I really loved Casino Royale. I had never seen any previous Bond films, but I thought DC gave Bond a rough around the edges character instead of being mister smooth. I usually trust to guarantee a decent film, and they rated it 94% fresh. I thought it delivered. Oh well, to each her own :)

Gwen said...

Hmm. Must agree with Amanda. I quite enjoyed it, and though it one of the better Bond movies. Didn't miss the undulating females in the opening credits, either.

Do agree with you about the recently-drowned revival issue, and Mr Cirque du Soleil.
Judi Densch was fab as ever, she's the best part of most of the later Bond movies!

Gwen said...

Your bit on Mrs Demetrios' cheese grater chest made me laugh. I was just on Go Fug Yrslf yesterday, totally laughing about Debbie Matenopoulos' and Keira Knightley's eating disorders: could probably open a bottle of beer by tucking it under that sternum and giving it a firm tug.

Sandy said...

You are so right - try as I might, I cannot get past Daniel Craig's ears. Completely distracting. And as for your favourite movie? Oh. Yes. Anthony Hopkins: celestial blue eyes, and restained, gentlemanly English passion. Oh. Yes. Rant on, my freind.

Kate said...

I have to say, I liked it. Being a major Bond fan, I'll say this: I think the idea was he was supposed to be pre-suave, pre-cool Bond. He was just an assassin at the beginning. Remember, this book is supposed to set up how he became Bond. Thus at the end, "the name is Bond", as the final line -- setting up the rest of the series. It is always a risk when they do the first last so to speak, think Star Wars!
I also was totally confused by Spider Dude at the beginning, thought Bond films were going supernatural for a minute. Also a very different director, the movie was very in line with his style, a real departure from Bond films.
As an aside, Mr. Kate thinks this is the first opening music sequence without women as the focus, anyone know if he is right? I think there have been others, but am not sure.

Gwen said...

Mr Kate is right, although Dr No didn't have so many girls as usual in the opening credits.

Kate said...

Thanks Gewn. I may or may not tell him he was right.

Kate said...

Oops. Gwen. Ahem. Man my fingers are having troubles these days.

Lizbon said...

Well, I haven't seen that Bond, but I usually get really annoyed with Bond movies because the misogynistic element gets under my skin in no time flat.

And...practically every recent movie I've seen (including some hugely popular ones) has been so badly written that I've wanted to dive into the screen, tell the actors to take five, and rewrite the script myself.

So I'm guessin' that had I seen Casino Royale, I'd be right there with ya. And currently firing up Finding Nemo or Ocean's 11, no doubt.

Sue H said...

I haven't seen Casino Royale. I wasn't impressed at the choice for the new Bond, not because I've seen him act (or not) before, but just because he doesn't LOOK Bondish to me. I don't think I'll waste my money now. Thanks for the warning.
Now, Memento........don't know what that is about, but when I checked your link it mentioned Memento Mori, and I'm more that a little intrigued as that was the "handle" of a young lady I used to chat with a few years ago when I was into chat rooms. I amy have to see if I can get the book.